noodsletter #.0008

The spigot, the kebab burger, the burnt garlic ramen

Hello!

You’ve received this email because you’ve signed up for noodsletter. Thank you. The recipe section is located at the bottom of the email, everything else on top.

This week’s recipe:

Kebab burger with dandelion greens and Gruyère*

My wife finds my thumb hliarious

As ever, I welcome your feedback! Leave a comment, send an email, whatever; you don’t have to be positive, you don’t even have to be nice, just be humane.

Turning on the Spigot; or, The First Turn of the Screw Pays All Debts

I have enabled payments on here. That means you can, if you like, subscribe to this newsletter with real money.

Substack tells me noodsletter stats are promising, and that some not insignificant percentage of you will want to give me money in exchange for… all of this. If Substack is to be believed (big if), by my calculations that means I could conceivably do some things that are beyond my budget, like buying stuff specifically for noodsletter and moving beyond “what I make for lunch” as my sole source of recipe inspiration. I have a few ideas, like doing a taste test of lamb, hogget, and mutton, and seeing how much a sheep’s slaughter age affects the flavor of sheep meat. Or maybe finally figuring out what to do with sweetbreads. Or comparing kinds of sweetbreads? (Why not both?) Or how about a newsletter on cooking squab five ways (confit, pan-roasted breast, breast nam tok, ramen, the little hearts on toast, something with the liver…okay, that’s seven, but you get the idea)?

So I’ve decided to turn the spigot on, and I ask you to consider subscribing with real money. I have set the monthly rate to the lowest number allowable, which is $5.

Depending on how many people subscribe, I might begin offering a third noodsletter every month for subscribers, or I might do every other noodsletter installment for subscribers only. For example, if there’s a lot of interest in this, maybe I’ll send out a noodsletter about what I’m eating while not celebrating Thanksgiving next week (it’ll be good, I hope). If no one signs up, nothing will change!

I want to do right by all of you noodsletter readers, both the people with cash to spare and those without, and I am flattered by and grateful for your attention regardless. If you have suggestions for things I should do for paying subscribers (or for non-paying subscribers!), please let me know.

Book

As you must know, it’s been Thanksgiving here, and we have to endure that horrid turkey and the rest of the food that American are so in love with. But the bigger problem is to endure the family gatherings. The Satos seem to have procreated everywhere, and they are so in need of making reunions. Of course I don’t make this food, so Sato and I are invited every year to his nephew’s big house in Walnut Creek. It is a lovely house with lots of rooms, and I have been thinking that I might persuade Sato to buy us a place like it somewhere outside the city to get away from time to time. But this is not what I wanted to write to you about.

From Sansei and Sensibility by Karen Tei Yamashita.

I’ve been reading Yamashita, who just won a kind of lifetime achievement at the 2021 National Book Awards, for the first time. I didn’t like the book above all that much, but I’m currently enjoying I, Hotel a lot—it reminds me of Coover’s The Public Burning. The main thing that’s interesting to me, in both Yamashita books, beyond the prose and other technical elements, is the depiction of Japanese-American experience, which is completely alien to me (my mother was Japanese, not Japanese-American). It’s fascinating how the defining historical event for Japanese-Americans is the internment camps and their being oppressed, whereas for Japanese it’s that they oppressed half the world.

“News”

Commercially available spices have a lot of heavy metals in them—well, mostly dried oregano, basil, ginger, and thyme.

Advice columns obviously only answer made up questions! Who eats the produce stickers on fruit all the time? No one!

Jesus Christ, our anxiety levels are spiking through the fucking roof here.

Japanese, Korean, Turkish, Mongolian…we’re all neolithic Chinese millet farmers in the end.

I’m sure if I’ve seen this, you’ve seen this, but the only people whose opinions are worth a damn are the woman wearing the “Babes Supporting Babes” shirt and the woman with the Eastern European accent:

Food Insider @FoodInsider

Millennials try Cracker Barrel for the first time

As a fan of both cream puffs and champagne (though perhaps not together) I would rather not have them reframed as Doing The Work.

Sort of related, but not food-related, and I similarly agree with it: The Empathy Racket.

I’ve read a lot about trash (lol?) and this is one of the best pieces I’ve read:

Yet from another perspective, it seemed more accurate to say that my life’s work was trash-making. I would die, everyone I’d ever known would die, and this clamshell and utensil set would still be there somewhere on Earth. None of my poetry would have such an enduring legacy.

Here’s the Instagram page chronicling her trash.

Bizarrely written piece about McDonald’s automating drive-thrus. The first line?

Listen, I saw Prometheus, we’re all freaking doomed.

This restaurant sounds like hell to me.

biblioklept @biblioklept

Lou Reed invited Talking Heads to his apartment after seeing them at CBGBs. Frantz reports that Reed ate an entire quart of ice cream during the visit and did not offer any to his guests.

This is a COVID story, right?

Scientists found the cure for fathers’ water lust. They synthesized a pill. It was free for all registered fathers. Thrilled, the accountant called her father, but the father was skeptical. “Has the government ever fixed anything, really, if it’s not in their favor?” he said. “They work you to death and then they make you pay for your funeral.”
            “It’s free!” the accountant said. She’d been so happy to tell him but now she felt helpless with despair.
            “Don’t you wonder why?”
            “Because we have to protect everyone.”
            “Why isn’t insulin free? Or antibiotics? Couldn’t an infection kill me too?”
            “I guess.”
            “Exactly,” the father said triumphantly. “A car trip is dangerous. But do I think twice about going to the grocery store?”
            The accountant didn’t answer. The father had no car. The accountant delivered his groceries.
            “I do not need pills,” the father said.

Reminds me of The Screwfly Solution by Alice Sheldon.

For many years, I convinced myself I had a) gout and b) a predilection toward developing kidney stones, until a doctor told me my diet and the amount of water I drank made both rather unlikely. Can’t believe coffee and alcohol count though (for kidney stones).

Some of the food described in this piece about indigenous food being served in Alaska hospitals sounds so good. Pickled fiddleheads? Oof.

He wants, I want.
Dear God, wouldn’t it be
good enough just to drink cocoa?

Lahore Deli was the only place worth eating at when I interned at a small publisher in SoHo in 2006. RIP.

Xeo ¯³ @xe0_xeo

A found an archive recently that contains some posters that appeared on Tokyo subways from 1976 to 1982. So here’s a thread about them 🧵

I was forwarded this article about momos in New Delhi, and I am skeptical of the (muddily worded) claim that the woman prominently featured in it is singularly responsible for the popularity of momos in the city. Even the article acknowledges that momos were all over the city in the 1980s; when I was in middle school (early 1990s), there was a string of very well-known and popular momo stalls at a place near our school. I still think about those momos all the time.

If you didn’t read the big NYT article on Moonies and sushi in America, it’s worth your time, even if the “design” is maddening.

Restaurant Review Haiku

If you’re going to

Add garlic chips to ramen,

Maybe don’t burn them?

Recipe

Kebab burger with dandelion greens and Gruyère*

This is actually two recipes, but who’s counting? (Me.)

Whenever I make smash burgers for dinner I always have ground beef left over. I used to sometimes waste the leftover ground beef because I’d forget about it in the back of the fridge, which made me very angry with myself because I am very cheap and hate wasting anything. As a result, I will salt and spice the beef immediately, if only to extend its fridge life, and I’ll eat it for breakfast as a kind of beef sausage or, if I spice it like a kebab, for lunch or dinner along with some roti or rice and raita. The other day I happened to make a kebab burger, which was good, but what was great about it was the leftover mustard greens I added under the patty, which had been stir-fried with curry leaves, black mustard seeds, and some salt and sugar.

So here’s a similar burger, made with what I had on hand two days ago (this is why the bun is a multi-grain English muffin; nothing wrong with English muffin buns, everything wrong with multi-grain mass produced bread). I think it’s pretty delicious, but my wife commented that it needed something else, something sweet, like a honey mustard or something, to act as a countervailing force for the pronounced bitterness of the greens. She may be right (however, I don’t agree).

The only technical things worth pointing out are the dimpling of the patties, which makes them cook up flat, the sugar solution I use to sort of steam the greens, and the fact that I chop the greens up before putting them in the burger, which means you won’t take one bite and pull out all the greens. That sugar may seem odd, but given that mustard seeds, curry leaves, and dandelion greens are all bitter, you need a lot of stuff for balance, and the salt and lemon alone aren’t going to cut it. Making it a solution just ensures even distribution. Fair warning: the greens are still super bitter, but in a good way. Last note: I call for mayo here, and you can load it up, but the pictured burger has a raita on the bottom bun, made with dahi, grated cucumber, grated ginger, pomegranate seeds, black salt, garam masala, shallots, and many, many, many chopped green chilies. Don’t make raita often? You should!

(I suppose I should note that the internal temp called for here is quite high. First of all, it’s a sausage. Second of all, it’s supermarket ground meat. Best to be safe.)

Makes 2 burgers

Ingredients:

• For the kebab:

• 1/2 teaspoon coriander seeds

• 1/2 teaspoon cumin seeds

• 1/4 teaspoon fenugreek seeds

• 5 black peppercorns

• 290g (0.6 lb) ground beef (80% lean)

• 1/4 teaspoon garam masala

• 1/4 teaspoon amchur

• pinch black salt

• 1/4 teaspoon Diamond Crystal kosher salt, plus more for seasoning burgers prior to cooking

• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil, for frying

• For the dandelion greens:

• 1 tablespoon water

• 1 teaspoon sugar

• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil, or other neutral oil

• 1 teaspoon mustard seeds

• 8 curry leaves

• 1 bunch dandelion greens, washed and spun dry

• 1/4 teaspoon Diamond Crystal kosher salt

• Juice from 1/2 lemon

• Salt, to taste

• To construct the burger:

• Thinly sliced raw red onion

• Mayo (or raita)

• Grated Gruyère

• 2 split and toasted English muffins

Directions:

1. For the kebab: Place whole spices in a dry skillet or wok and toast over medium heat until fragrant, about 1-2 minutes. Transfer to mortar and pestle or spice grinder and let cool for 5 minutes. Grind to a fine powder.

2. Place beef in a medium mixing bowl. Add freshly ground spices along with garam masala, amchur, black salt, and kosher salt. Using clean hands, mix the hell out of the meat, until it’s slightly tacky and the spices seem evenly distributed, about 2-3 minutes. Let stand for at least 30 minutes, or cover with plastic wrap and store in the refrigerator until ready to use (it’ll keep for several days).

3. For the dandelion greens: In a small ramekin or bowl, dissolve sugar in water. Heat oil in a wok or cast iron skillet over medium heat. As oil heats, add mustard seeds and curry leaves. Once seeds begin to spit and leaves begin to sputter, add dandelion greens along with salt, increase heat to medium-high, and toss to coat greens in oil and spices. Cook, stirring constantly, until greens have wilted slightly, about 1-2 minutes.

4. Increase heat to high and add sugar solution to pan. Cook, stirring and tossing constantly, until liquid has mostly evaporated, about 1-2 minutes. Add lemon juice to greens and season with salt to taste. Remove to plate until cool. Chop roughly and set aside.

5. To cook the kebab burger: Form meat into two equal size patties just larger in diameter than a mass-produced, multi-grain English muffin bun, dimpling the top surface with your fingertips.

6. Preheat broiler on high. Heat oil in a cast iron skillet over medium heat until smoking. Season kebab patties lightly with salt (yes, you should) and place them, dimpled side up, in the hot oil. Cook until thoroughly browned on obverse side, about 3-4 minutes. Flip patties and place a small pile of dandelion greens on top of each one, followed by a larger-than-seems-necessary pile of grated Gruyère. Cook until internal temperature reaches 150°F on an instant read thermometer, about 30 seconds to 1 minute longer. Turn off heat and transfer cast iron skillet to under the broiler. Broil until Gruyère is completely melted, about 1-2 minutes.

7. Construct the burger: Smear the bottom half of each English muffin with mayo or raita, top with raw red onion slices, followed by the cooked kebab burger. Serve immediately.